I’m afraid John,I can’t congratulate you. All the emotions and in
particular love stand opposed to the pure, cold reason I hold above all
things. A wedding is,in my considered opinion, nothing short of a
celebrition of all that is false and specious and irrational and
sentimental in this ailing and morally compromised world. Today we honor
the deathwatch beetle that is the doom of our society and in time one
feels certain our entire species.
      But anyway, let’s talk about John. If I burden myself with a
little helpmate during my adventures,this is not out of sentiment or
caprice, it is that he has many fine qualities of his own that he has
overlooked in his obsession with me. Indeed, any reputation I have for
mental acuity and sharpness comes in truth from the extraordinary
contrast John so selflessly provides. It is a fact, I believe, that
brides tend to favour exceptionally plain bridesmaids for their big day.
There is a certain analogy there , I fell, and contrast is, after all,
God’s own plan to enhance the beaty of his creation.Or it would be if
God were not a ludicrous fantasy designed to provide a career
opportunity for the family idiot.
      The point I’m trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant,
rude, ignorant and all round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could
possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous,
unaware of the beautiful and uncomprehending in the face of the happy.
So if I didn’t understand I was being asked to be Best Man, it is
because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend and certainly not
the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have
ever had the good fortune of knowing.
       John, I am a ridiculous man. Redeemed only by the warmth and
constancy of your friendship. But as I am apparently your beat friend, I
cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion. Actually, now I
can. Mary, when I say you deserve this man, it is the highest compliment
of which I am capable. John,you have endured war and injury and tragic
loss, so sorry again about that last one, so know this, today you sit
between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved. In
short, the two people who love you most in all this world, and I know I
speak for Mary as well when I say, we will never let you down and we
have a life time ahead to prove that.



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